I hated my body, but not anymore...

If you’ve been around for a bit, you’ve probably heard my story about how Imperium Stretch & Recovery came to be. 

If you were not here, you can probably guess… I was in pain. Lots of pain. And On my way to needing a hip replacement “by the time I hit 30” according to a doctor who never gave me the time to diagnose my true injuries as a young ballet dancer. 

Instead, I suffered from hip pain and numbness but kept dancing. I fell in love with nutrition and whole foods because my pain and inflammation disappeared after cleaning up my diet. 

When I found FST, I had low hopes for anything to give me relief because I was led to believe I would never find it without major surgery. To say my life was changed when I DID find relief is an understatement. And that is why I am here today. Pain free and offering hope to YOU! 

But my healing journey doesn't end there. 

As I mentioned, I was a ballet dancer. I was trained to stay small, both physically, and mentally. And if I didn't stay small, I would never be a professional. This mindset tore away at my self confidence. At my meal choices, at my self-talk. It dictated what I wore, how I did my hair and makeup and greatly impacted my view of what “in-shape” meant. 

I never starved myself… but I hated myself and my body. 

And almost all my superiors in high school dance classes taught me that's what I needed to do to be the best.

Looking back, It’s sad and utterly gut wrenching. As a mother to a daughter who has danced from the womb without ever being taught to dance, I fear allowing her to dance because I never want her to feel what I felt. 

I judged myself from the beginning and never believed I was enough or worthy of being a professional ballerina. In the attempt of keeping myself small in the mirror, I also kept myself small in my skills. 

This came down to negative self talk, self hatred, and feeling guilty after every meal. 

My cells felt that. My fascia has carried those insecurities around for a long long time. 

But here's where I share with you my hope… my turning point. 

I was given hope. 

I know it sounds so silly, but pain relief opened the door for more healing than I can begin to express. Not only am I pain free today, but I am so absolutely in love with the body I’ve been given and I’m so utterly proud of it and what I do for myself daily. And in this season of my life, I'm so amazed and proud of how it provides milk for my daughter daily. 

So, how did I get here? 

I'll tell you. 

It started with pain relief. Because for the first time in my life that was filled with chronic physical pain, I realized that my life could look different and my body could feel different. That there was a way to change the trajectory of my life and live on my terms and not for the words spoken over me in the dance studio. 

I could dance without pain. 

I could also love my body again. 

I could eat nourishing foods without shame. 

I was on a deep deep healing journey, and quite frankly, I still am and I probably will never stop. 

As my clients know… oftentimes when we heal the pain of one area, another area that we've forgotten about catches our attention and draws us in. We realize there's more work to be done. 

But how beautiful is that!

In college I was working through some deep wounds with my therapist at the time. She had me create what she called a “healing chart”. Something physical. 

I chose a large piece of poster paper to hang in my college dorm closet. 

My exercise was to write down all the hurtful lies that were spoken over me in high school. My next exercise was to take bright markers and write TRUTH over them.

My next exercise? I was to read it daily and speak the lies followed by the truths. 

Example: I am not fat. My body is healthy, strong, and exactly as it should be. It is FOR ME, not against me. 

Looking back from where I am today, I see the foreshadowing. 

I would have never imagined being 10 years older, still on this healing journey. But I also see the beauty in it. Healing truly never stops, but it takes you down roads you never expected that are far more beautiful than anything you could have imagined.

Today, I eat more than I ever did in high school and college and I feel stronger than I ever did when I was dancing 8-12 hours a day, in what I thought was the best shape of my life. 

I am so in love with my body today. So deeply proud of all it does for me. 

I have the best self esteem I've ever had in my life, and it's not because I received praise or compliments. It's because I healed and I'm still healing and I will continue healing. 

I have changed the narrative of my self-talk… this has changed everything. 

Through this healing journey, I have learned so much about myself and ways to keep my mental and physical health in check. 

It’s been a bumpy road with plenty of “1 step forward, 2 steps backwards” moments. 

It has not been easy, but I look back at all the work I put in, with no idea where I wanted to end up other than “healing” in body, mind and spirit. 

I don’t know what the future of this journey looks like, but I look to the future with excitement because, if how I feel today is the result of a grewling 10 years of healing steps (with so much grief and joy and sadness and love mixed in), then I can’t wait for the next 10 years and all that new life experiences will teach me and grow in me. 

I hope you’ll jump in, and remember… there's truly no destination because we’re all healing and growing. Being in community and walking through it with others just makes it all the more precious.